Nothing to share...

  

Those were the last words I got from a dear friend.  That hurts.  Really hurts.

Last words are powerful because they are the ones dwelt on at the end of any interaction.  Think about it.  How often are we careful about those last words?  Even in casual relationships.  Sometimes when you really want the relationship to end, you deliberately end with a firm GOODBYE – that slams the door shut.  When someone is in need, you end with a LATER so they know it’s open ended and the door is still open.  What about when you know that someone is entering a dangerous situation?  I’ve used VAYA CON DIOS. And what about at the end of a job interview?  I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU.  So many last words I could think of.  You know them just as well.

Last words have been a sticky point between K and I.  He is a stubborn, strong boy who always tries to have the last word with me when we argue.  I’m working on it and I think he is, too.  But man, oh man, it’s hard.  In our case, I know it has to do with control.  He is the child and he can’t stand (and is resisting) the notion that adults are the ones in “control.”  I try to explain it’s not about control but it’s about guidance.  Adults have lived longer so we have just a little more information and experience to share and he really does need to trust in that.  But he’s going through that phase of life where he’s trying to be more independent.  I’ll just have to weather this storm and hope neither of us is seriously hurt in the process.

Last words are powerful because they could really be the last words you share with that person.  I mean, one of us could be hit by a bus the next instant and that’s it.  There is no following up on those last words.  So be careful.  Don’t let those last words haunt you for the rest of your life.  Because they will, especially if they are the wrong ones.  Even the little wrong ones stay with you.

Nothing to share…  I know these aren’t final words between me and my friend but damn it, they’re the last ones shared between us for now and I can’t help dwell on them.  Nothing to share…  It seems so cold because in any good relationship, there is always something to share – even if it’s a crumb.  Oh well, it’s probably my turn to respond but I’m not ready.  My friend will just have to wait.  Hope I have better, kinder last words for him and everyone else whom I cherish.

Listen to Your Mother and other Life Lessons

K started middle school this year.  It’s amazing how much he’s learned in just 1 week and I’m not talking about lessons from books but more importantly, from life itself.

DAY 1 – Thursday, 9/8/2011

IT’S OK TO BE NERVOUS.  He was so nervous on his first day of school.  Who can blame him?  Middle school is a big change from elementary school.  Of course his stomach felt bad in the morning but he was better once I told him it was his nerves and that all was going good.  And it was.

DAY 2 – Friday, 9/9/2011

DON’T BE LATE.  Not even by a minute.  On the second day of school, Friday, his brother was dragging his feet at home and we left 5 minutes later than planned.  Well, that didn’t bode well for K.  School starts at 8 promptly and that’s when he finally made it up to his 5^th floor homeroom.  He was inside the classroom at 8 but his teacher didn’t look up at the clock at 8:01 and marked him late.  Poor kid.  Hates having anything negative put on him – especially when it’s his brother’s fault.  Only day 2 of school and he already got a lateness recorded.

DAY 3 – Monday, 9/12/2011

PREPARE.  On the way to school on Monday, he realized he left his wallet and cell phone at home.  No time to go back since he already knew how strict his homeroom teacher was about being prompt.  Oh well, no money and no phone.  Boy  was he glad that A had gotten a new cellphone over the weekend.  At least they had that covered.

GO THE WAY YOU KNOW.  That is until you learn alternate routes.  K now walks to school with his friend and classmate from CPE II, A.  It’s wonderful and freeing for both boys that they are being entrusted to walk to school by themselves.  Honestly, for us parents, we wait with bated breath to see them at the end of the day.

On Monday, things were not going smoothly in the morning.  We were already running 5 minutes late because Z was again being a slug and K had to pull together school supplies for the day from the bags in the car I had been too lazy to bring up to the apartment.  It was a little frantic and so I agreed to drive K and A part of the way to school.  So after a few blocks I pull over and told them to get out and start walking.  Well, their school is west of where we were but A (the navigator for now since he knows the route and neighborhood) starts going east.  I kind of panicked and shouted out the window that they were going the wrong way.  A tells me that he knows the way which happens to be only 1 route and that’s why they were headed east.  Well, I sat there watching them in my rear view mirror.  Being the overprotective mom, I followed them.  Yeah, I followed them in my car for the 6 blocks it took them to get to school.  I just needed to make myself feel better.  The most hysterical part was that just when I was about to leave them alone, the car behind me honks (because I was going so slowly) and the boys catch me.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE LEADER.  As they were approaching a corner, A started to turn right but K was paying no mind.  Little A – who’s about 4 inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter – reaches out to grab his friend and swing him around the corner.  K said later that he thought they were going straight and A didn’t give him a heads up about where they were going.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE RULES.  There are 2 things about clothes he always hated.  First, he HATES collars.  It was bad news for him when the school uniform code required either a short/long sleeve polo or button down shirt.  Second, he NEVER EVER tucks in his shirt.  Oh well, too bad.  School dress code calls for shirts to be tucked in.  For the next 7 years, he’ll have to deal with 2 of the things he hated most about clothes. 

After being reminded of the school dress code on the first day of school that shirts had to be tucked in, K did this just before he walked into the building.  On Monday, his homeroom teacher noticed his shirt was not completely tucked in and told him to step out of the room and fix his shirt and then return to the classroom.  He complied but upon returning to the classroom he had to stand in line behind students who was being marked late for coming in that 1 or more minutes late to class.  Lucky for him, he didn’t get marked late because technically he was not properly prepared for school and could have been marked late.  Let’s say that since then, he tucks his shirt in at home before he leaves so he doesn’t have to worry about following the school dress code.

WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING.  Monday night conversation about dinner.

                K:  Mommy, can I have soup for dinner?

                Me:  Why?

                K:  Because my mouth hurts.

                Me:  Why?

                K:  Because I ran into a wall.

                Me:  How?

                K:  I was walking backwards talking to a friend and I turned around and

                      hit my face on the wall.

                Me:  hysterically laughing

DAY 4 – Tuesday, 9/13/2011

STAND UP TO BULLIES but don’t be cruel.  He stood up to a student who was harassing him or another student – don’t remember which and that’s not the point of this anecdote.  It’s what he said to this student that makes me both proud and ashamed of him.  He stood up to the bully – which is good.  It’s what he said that causes me shame.  The boy was overweight and K pointed out that he had man-boobs.  Yes, hysterical but too cruel for me.  I told him that he had crossed the line.  Yes, the boy needed to be put down but not embarrassed.  He had crossed a fine line in standing up to the bully and needed to be more thoughtful and mature when encountered with the same situation.  I’m sure the occasion will rise up again and he will do much better.

DAY 5 – Wednesday, 9/14/2011

RUN AWAY WHEN FACED WITH DANGER.  On the way to school, a big(probably a teenager) kid came up to them and asked them if they wanted crack.  Smartly, they ran.  They say they ran for 5 blocks but I don’t think it was 5 blocks but at that point even 1 block would feel like 5.  Good move fellas.  Run away from trouble.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.  Around 4:30 – after what seemed a reasonable amount of time to unwind from the school day – I suggested he start homework.  No response.  Around 5, I started digging around his backpack to see what was in there.  Concerned, I again suggested he start homework. 

                K:  I’ll do it at 6:30, after dinner.

                Me:  Really?  Dinner isn’t being scheduled around you.  You figure out 

                        your homework around when I make dinner.

               

Well, we can safely guess he didn’t start homework until after 7.  He started and then around 8 checked his class schedule for the next day to discover that the Spanish homework he thought he could put off was due the next day.  Let’s say, he went into panic mode.  When I left to make a call, he was stressing out over how much Spanish homework there was to do.  When I returned at 10, I was glad to see him passed out in bed.

The next day he tells me about his bath – which was the last thing he did before going to sleep.  As he sat/laid down in the tub, he realized he was slipping (from falling asleep).  In other words, he almost drowned.  A new rule has been implemented – K is not allowed to take baths on school nights.  And we are keeping a closer eye on him as he adjusts to a new rhythm in life.

Seeking Closure

It’s 9/13.  I thought I’d be done with 9/11 but it’s not over.  Mayor Bloomberg pleaded with the world to stop referring to the site of the 9/11 as Ground Zero, refer to it as the 9/11 Memorial.  The 9/11 Memorial was finally opened on 9/11 and families were the first ones to visit these hallowed grounds.  There is now physical space where we can pay our respects to those who died that fateful day.  The news has been full of images – mostly sad and poignant.  My friend, James will be visiting the 9/11 Memorial on Thursday.  I wish I could go myself but the pain is too raw.  I want to visit Andy’s name and pay my respects but I can’t get myself to stand where he died – not yet.  So to connect with Andy, I asked James to make a rubbing of his name for me.  He will.  I wait with bated breath because I look forward to and dread holding Andy’s name.

With the opening of the 9/11 Memorial there was a hope that the world could move closer to finding a way to put to rest 9/11. I thought I’d find closure on 9/11 with these events but it’s not over.  I think it’s the start of something I can’t put my finger on – something so uncertain, unclear, I'm afraid.

On Sunday, 9/11 I erected a 9/11 memorial of my own in my building’s lobby to help me and others continue to heal.  I created a space with the help of so many others – Carlos, Jaime, Ry-An, Rudy, Max, Jack – to reflect, remember and heal.  I thought it would take just 2 hours to erect the memorial, I was so wrong.  It took 5 hours.  This memorial is more incredible than I could have ever imagined it to be.  I give thanks to all who lent a hand to create this incredible space.

My hopes for this memorial are not just for me but also for my community to reflect, remember and heal from 9/11.  Slowly it’s growing - flowers, newspapers have already been bought to the space.  I haven’t added my own personal reflection or expression of 9/11 yet.  I thought my contribution of actually putting up this memorial would be enough but it isn’t.  I’m searching for a way - and pray and hope - that I will find a way to find closure for myself.  Maybe that’s where I’m fooling myself.  There is no closure to 9/11.  There is no way to end remembering 9/11.  Instead, I need to figure out how to live with it forever.  

I’m grateful to my building’s management for permission to keep this memorial up until Sunday, 9/18.  It gives me and others more time to figure out how to honor and remember 9/11.  I’m organizing a ceremony that will include dismantling this memorial because to be honest, I can’t do it by myself.  I need the community to take the pieces down.  I need support and assistance to take down something that I can’t forget, something I won’t find closure to.

Two Brothers on 9/11

dedicated to Billy and Andy

Isaac & Ishmael

It happened on a day quite clear
A day when fear came to call
It shook us all

Two brothers standing side by side
Precious souls inside begin to fall

Who would have known our lives would change
Once and for all

When Isaac fell Ishmael cried
He had no choice but to fall, too

What would you say if i told you
We were made that much stronger after all?

When Isaac fell Ishmael cried
He had no choice but to fall, too

What would you say if i told you
We were made that much stronger?
We were made that much stronger
So we can love each other after all.

Jeff Jeudy feat. The Soulfolk Experience.
Copyright 2009, Used by permission.
http://www.myspace.com/thesoulfolkexperience

What a beautiful song. I was moved and touched by the beauty of the rhythm and words when I encountered this piece of music - melodic and strong in word and rhythm. It’s a song about two brothers. But something didn’t sit right about this song and when I learned what this song was about, I knew what was wrong for me. It’s a song about 9/11.

The lyrics explain themselves once you understand the context. It’s beautiful, poignant and oh….so….painful….. Love and hate this song. Love its beauty. Hate the inspiration.

This song took on another meaning when I learned about two brothers whose lives were forever changed on 9/11. In 1989, I was a youth pastor to two incredible, lively, wonderful brothers in their younger, teenage, more carefree days – days that shaped them to be the men they were on 9/11. About three years ago, I ran into Billy (the older brother) at church. It was wonderful to see one of the youth group members I had nurtured all grown up. He was grown, with a scruffy face, some lines beginning to etch on his face and that’s what troubled me – he looked too old for his age. Something wasn’t right. But I didn’t let this stop me from being glad to reconnect with one of the students I had pastored some 20+ years earlier. I ran into him a couple of times and we casually chatted. Then it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen his younger brother, Andy and so I asked about him. Billy’s face took on a puzzled look, his eyes that were always clouded took on a darkness and that’s when he told me – Andy died on 9/11.

My heart fell and I cursed God. Yes, I cursed God. Because until that moment, I thanked God that I didn’t know anyone directly who had died that horrific day. Of course, that day has altered me forever but I didn’t carry the burden of mourning someone I personally knew every year on 9/11. I was getting off easy. Those whom I mourned for were strangers. It sounds twisted but it’s a privilege to mourn someone you don’t know directly – at least you can be sad from a distance. Not having been a part of their lives nor having them be a part of your life makes mourning/remembering someone a whoooole lot easier. Now that’s been changed.

Moving toward the 10th anniversary of one of the most horrific days in history is hard for me. It was bad enough as it was (I have my own 9/11 story and I hope to someday share it) but now it’s been made so much worse. For on that day for the rest of my life, I will remember these 2 special brothers. Knowing that Billy is forever changed and Andy is dead breaks my heart. I can clearly see their faces as teenagers in my mind. Both smiling, full of life, your typical teenagers – brothers standing side by side. Now this is replaced by the pained face of Billy standing alone. No brother by his side. Left behind to face the rest of his life alone. Brother without brother.

There are many prayers to be said on 9/11. Many tears will flow. Cries and howls will be lifted to the skies. Ceremonies will be held all over the world. I’m comforted the 10th anniversary of 9/11 happens to fall on a Sunday. I’ll be at church with my church community mourning and remembering together. I find comfort in knowing that this year – when the world marks this tragic day – I will be sitting in a safe, nurturing, supportive space where I can cry my heart out for 2 brothers.

A Blessing. A Gift.

Eleven years ago my life was forever changed.  I was blessed with one of the greatest gift given to this little planet called Earth.  K was born to us.

He’s amazing and I am humbled to call him my son.  Who knew that this woman who never had any intentions of having children would be entrusted with such a precious creature?  He came 5 weeks early.  We had ab.so.lute.ly nothing in the house – not even a diaper.  Baby showers were scheduled for September because so many of my friends and family would be out of town in August.  We were really caught off guard. I guess he was in such a rush to make his mark on this world that he didn’t care no preparations had been made. 

 

He has made a mark – forever changed the world in oh so many ways.  Mind you, I’ll be sharing some incredible stories and you may think wow, what an exceptional boy.  Yes, he is that but also keep in mind, he is very much your typical 11 year old boy full of attitude, lip and angst – I will read this blog when he really gets under my skin to remind myself that he is uh.ma.zing.

This summer has been full of life changing events for him (and the rest of us).  He did some incredible feats of wonder that we never anticipated.  

You know how we say some people are lifesavers?  (I always asked what flavor.  Ha ha.)  He really was.  A couple of weeks ago, he literally saved his little brother’s life.  We were at the beach and Z broke the cardinal rule – never go past your brother when you’re in the water.  Well, he did.  Thank goodness I was at the bathroom while all of this happened – I would’ve completely lost it.  My girlfriends were keeping an eye on the kids and could see Z was drifting away and possibly in trouble but neither were strong enough swimmers to help.  They were shouting and gesturing for him to come back to no avail.  K heard the commotion and sensed something was wrong with his brother.  He got to his little brother before lifeguards realized trouble was brewing and helped them.  K told me a couple of days after the near miss tragedy how he had to go under water (water was even too deep for him to touch) to hold his brother up above water.  Fortunately 2 lifeguards whipped out there quickly and bought them back to shore safely.  Tragedy was averted but this was too close.  I could’ve not lost just one of my boys but both.  Thank goodness K was there to save his brother. 

I’m so proud of him.  He’s actually getting tired of me saying this to him but how can I stop??

Earlier this summer, after exhausting days of preparation for his (and his classmate’s) graduation ceremony and prom, I did an unimaginable thing.  I accidently left K on the streets of Washington Heights.  After dropping off friends at 161^st Street and Amsterdam, I noticed the trunk was open.  I stopped and he got out to close it.  He then opened the rear door to get in and I said, “Oh, now you’re too good for the front seat?”  I heard the door slam and took off.  I didn’t look back and drove home.  After parking in the garage, I told K to get out of the car.  Nothing.  I panicked and looked in the trunk to see if he was playing a joke on me.  Nothing.  My heart was racing.  I didn’t even stop to call D and tell him what was going on.  I whipped out of that garage so quick.  I had only left him out there for 10 minutes but that was not good – for you see, K has never wandered the neighborhood by himself.  He was familiar with the lay of the land but he never had to do it on his own.  I went back to the spot where I saw him last and drove around shouting his name.  I took what I thought would be the route he took home but nothing.  I finally pulled over and called D.  All he could say (and rightfully so) was, “F***!”  He left the apt. to go look for him.  We were in a serious panic.  Our 10 year old who has never been without a companion was now wandering the streets of Washington Heights alone.  I felt so guilty and horrible.  As I was talking to police officers, giving them information and details of what had happened, D called to say he just got home.  So relieved but still so panicked – I needed to hold my baby.  I rushed home to find him in the bath completely traumatized.  He thought I had done this on purpose.  I apologized profusely and told him that though I may mess around with him, I would never, ever go this far.  I would never put his life in jeopardy.  I could finally breathe but only partially because it was time to clean up the mess I had made.  It took a couple of weeks but we’re all better now.  Since then we’ve made a walking trips around the neighborhood about safe routes and talked about what to do in case you’re in trouble, etc.  We were going to do this anyhow to prepare for middle school and just because he’s growing up but this wasn’t exactly the way I wanted it to happen.  Nonetheless, he’s stronger for this and has grown from it.  I learned to stop messing around with my boys so much and to be a better mother.

His summer of incredible feats doesn’t end here.

Just 10 days ago I got word that a friend’s mother-in-law had passed away.  She passed away on her granddaughter’s, A’s birthday.  K went to kindergarten with A and I shared with him what had happened.  Grandma was already sick with cancer and the family knew she could die any day.  On A’s birthday the family went to visit her in the hospital.  Grandma’s husband had thoughtfully bought cupcakes to celebrate A’s birthday.  They lit the candles, sang Happy Birthday, A made a wish and blew out the candles.  It was then Grandma drew her last breath.  K could see how shook up I was by this.  Sweetly he said, “But mommy, she died celebrating A’s birthday.”  How beautiful and mature.  My child showed me beauty in the midst of tragedy and made me feel so much better.

Well, this story doesn’t end there.  So knowing that a party was scheduled at the same time, I ask K if he could go to the funeral – he wouldn’t miss the party, we would just be late.  I told him there was absolutely no pressure, just shared that I thought it’d be good if A could have one of her friends there.  I told him to go think about it, there was absolutely no pressure for him to go.  With no hesitation his next words were, “OK mommy.  What will I wear?”

He was ever so gracious at the funeral.  His first was his great-grandmother when he was 9 months old and now it was for his friend he went.  He didn’t have to go but he chose to go.  I know his presence made a difference to A.  He even gave her a card.  So humbled by him.

My baby is growing up and I know he’ll continue to amaze me.  For the first time I cried for joy and pride.  I made an absolute blubbering fool of myself.  On his first day of middle school orientation last week, parents were asked to come for a brief introduction.  After saying hello and how are you, they asked everyone to make a tunnel through which the students would join us.  As parents, family and friends cheered, I lost it.  Cried like a baby.  My heart couldn’t hold in the joy and pride I was feeling.  

My tiny premature baby who only weighed 6 lbs and 4 ounces – so small that his daddy could cup him in his hand - is now almost as tall as me and weighs 130 lbs.  He’s growing up.  He continues to amaze me.  Can’t wait to see what he does next.