Seeking Closure

It’s 9/13.  I thought I’d be done with 9/11 but it’s not over.  Mayor Bloomberg pleaded with the world to stop referring to the site of the 9/11 as Ground Zero, refer to it as the 9/11 Memorial.  The 9/11 Memorial was finally opened on 9/11 and families were the first ones to visit these hallowed grounds.  There is now physical space where we can pay our respects to those who died that fateful day.  The news has been full of images – mostly sad and poignant.  My friend, James will be visiting the 9/11 Memorial on Thursday.  I wish I could go myself but the pain is too raw.  I want to visit Andy’s name and pay my respects but I can’t get myself to stand where he died – not yet.  So to connect with Andy, I asked James to make a rubbing of his name for me.  He will.  I wait with bated breath because I look forward to and dread holding Andy’s name.

With the opening of the 9/11 Memorial there was a hope that the world could move closer to finding a way to put to rest 9/11. I thought I’d find closure on 9/11 with these events but it’s not over.  I think it’s the start of something I can’t put my finger on – something so uncertain, unclear, I'm afraid.

On Sunday, 9/11 I erected a 9/11 memorial of my own in my building’s lobby to help me and others continue to heal.  I created a space with the help of so many others – Carlos, Jaime, Ry-An, Rudy, Max, Jack – to reflect, remember and heal.  I thought it would take just 2 hours to erect the memorial, I was so wrong.  It took 5 hours.  This memorial is more incredible than I could have ever imagined it to be.  I give thanks to all who lent a hand to create this incredible space.

My hopes for this memorial are not just for me but also for my community to reflect, remember and heal from 9/11.  Slowly it’s growing - flowers, newspapers have already been bought to the space.  I haven’t added my own personal reflection or expression of 9/11 yet.  I thought my contribution of actually putting up this memorial would be enough but it isn’t.  I’m searching for a way - and pray and hope - that I will find a way to find closure for myself.  Maybe that’s where I’m fooling myself.  There is no closure to 9/11.  There is no way to end remembering 9/11.  Instead, I need to figure out how to live with it forever.  

I’m grateful to my building’s management for permission to keep this memorial up until Sunday, 9/18.  It gives me and others more time to figure out how to honor and remember 9/11.  I’m organizing a ceremony that will include dismantling this memorial because to be honest, I can’t do it by myself.  I need the community to take the pieces down.  I need support and assistance to take down something that I can’t forget, something I won’t find closure to.