I Made Him Cry

Yup.  I made my baby cry yesterday morning.  He sat on the floor and bawled like a baby - mouth open wide, tears flowing down his face.  He broke my heart.  All I could do was get on the floor and want to cry with him.  He was late for school and it was both our faults - feels more like mine since I am the adult after all and he still needs me to keep him on schedule.  Our lives at home have been upended by Occupy Wall Street.  Mommy, me, got involved - waaaay involved.  There have been long term plans in place for me to go back "out" into the world.  I am completely serious about pursuing my Ph.D. in Theology and get excited at the mere thought of that.  But that wasn't happening for another 15 months.  There was time to work towards that.  Occupy Wall Street and the 99% School is a surprise - it doesn't feel so good at times but then there are moments that remind me (and family) this is a good thing.  We have to see it through and we have to do it together as a family.

When asked what I do, I say that I'm a full-time stay-at-home mom.  I use that title because that's how the general population has labeled my job.  I never planned on being in this position.  I never even thought I'd have children.  But here I am - 11+ years of being a full-time stay-at-home mom.  I'm not complaining about the job.  Just wish there was a better way to describe what I do.

Folks assume this is a leisurely job.  There are assumptions that we stay at home, eat bon bons, go to lunch with the ladies.  Never think that our lives are full, very full - at times, too full.  Someone recently said that I had too much time on my hand.  Well, let me shatter that impression of the full-time stay-at-home mom.

Full-time.  That's incorrect.  When I hear full-time, that means 35 hours a week.  I know that for a fact because I did at one time get a paycheck for the 35 hours of work I produced each week.  Well, as all parents know, we never stop working.  Whether or not you're employed outside the home, you're always a parent.  That's a 24 hour/7 days a week job.  You never shed that position.  It's stuck to you so tight sometimes, you wish you could shake it off.  There are times when I feel like screaming if I hear that word one more time - mommy.  It's exhausting and more often than not you don't set the terms, they are set for you.  They are set for you by a creature who needs more time to understand why you're about to lose it.  They need your nurturing exactly the same moment you need to step away.  It's a hard job.  It's a conflicted job.  But you know what?  It's the best job I've ever had.  I wouldn't trade a single moment - good and bad - for any other job in the world.

Stay-at-home.  That I laugh at.  There are days I am not home.  I get so busy with pick-up, drop-off of the boys - a meeting here, a meeting there - and oh let's not even think about those field trips.  Not only are you out of the house but now you have to deal with additional children you never even birthed.  The only reason I'm home and actually had time to start on this blog yesterday is because K is home sick.  Otherwise I would have been at Occupy Wall Street figuring out next steps for the 99% School.  Before I even spent time with K at home, in the morning, I got Z ready for school and dropped him off at school, and visited a friend in the hospital.  And this was all before 11am.  Days when I get to stay-at-home are rare and too far between.  I do wish this part of my job could be true.  My life would be calmer but also probably more boring.

My job doesn't bring home a paycheck.  I don't add to the bank account in any tangible way.  My contributions are intangible.  By volunteering at school, I've been able to hone my organizing skills and actually get out of the house to be around other adults.  By lunching with the ladies, I release stress and have the good laughs required to keep me healthy and sane.  By staying at home with the boys, I'm able to give them the nurturing they so badly need.  This is especially true with Z - read my blog last summer, "Letting Go" for that story.  I just saw a story about a Dragon Mom.  I'm not her but I get her - Z was born with serious developmental delays and we were never sure about his future.  It warms my heart that he can now articulate his dreams for himself.  And this only came about because I made the hard choice to stay at home and give up a career I absolutely loved.  What did I do with my time?  I fought with everything I had for our child with no expectation of any returns at all - it's pure unconditional love.  In our case, our story has a happy ending.  Every tear I've shed, every fight I've fought, every ego I've stroked to get him what he needed has been completely worth it.

Now I bring that passion to the 99% School.  Friends are concerned and remind me to take care of myself.  I have - actually went away this past weekend with a good friend.  It was good and I will continue to seek those moments.  I promise.  I won't let myself completely fall apart because as a girlfriend reminded me - what good will I be to anyone (esp. my family) if I get sick.

Getting back to the crying child.  Our family is in a state of transition - at moments it feels like chaos.  I wish we had had more time to be in this place today.  K actually noticed this morning that I was all of the sudden so busy.  I've got a full day ahead today.  I'm grateful that I'm a type A personality.  The days already planned and I hope to stick with the plan but only God knows.  Oh oh.  Just remembered my last blog.  How do you make God laugh?  Tell her your plans.  Ok God, this isn't a plan set in stone, I'll leave room in there for you to do your thing.  Well, (sigh) here I go.