24.8.11

Alone Again



Again I ended up going to a concert by myself.  Last year it was Melissa Etheridge (July 16, 2010 blog, “Alone”), this year it was “The Sounds of Charleston: From Gospel to Gershwin” at the Circular Congregational Church in Charleston, South Carolina.  Funny how I end up going to concerts alone.  This time it was on our annual family vacation and I had hoped the family would come but nooooo, the boys wanted to go swimming and so again, I went alone to a concert.  I won’t complain because without the boys, I fully enjoyed the concert.  Without them doing what boys would do during a concert, I lost myself in the evening before me.  The host, William Schlitt was engaging, narrating a story that I never knew – he bought Charlestonian history alive through music.  (By the way, this is an on-going concert series and I recommend you go if you get to Charleston.  It’s worth the time and money.)

Did you know that Charleston was a center of culture way back when?  This was the place to be before NYC or Boston.  The St. Cecelia Society of Charleston was one of the first music societies in the US to bring music to the scene.  The concert took us back in time to experience music as it evolved in Charleston. 

Mr. Schlitt introduced the first musician of the evening, pianist, Micah McLaurin who beautifully played music that was coming out of Europe – Hayden and Mozart.  Everyone at these concerts were wearing white powdered hair and fancy clothes.  I tried to imagine myself in a fancy gown – not my shorts, t-shirt and sandals.  NOT.

Then we were taken to the battlefields of the Civil War.  Charleston was the place where this horrible war started.  In fact, it’s the 150th anniversary of the start of the war and Charleston was gearing up for a 4 year remembrance of the war.  Mr. Schlitt prefaced this segment with an apology of sorts because we know that the Civil War (as is all wars) was particularly unpleasant and somewhat an embarrassment to the city of Charleston.  I mean, who wants to be known as the city who fought to keep slavery?  Nonetheless, history is history and the past cannot be erased – so they have to keep that legacy and make the best of it.  

Getting back to the music.  It didn’t matter which side you were fighting on, music on the battlefields kept up the morale of the soldiers.  Imagine being cold, hungry and exhausted.  How do you keep your spirits alive?  One way was music.  Some of the music was definitely lively – to keep the spirits of the soldiers up.  One of the musicians, Professor Bart Saylor had gone to the Appalachian mountains to learn music of the battlefield from the grandsons of soldiers who had fought and played music during the Civil War.  Their music was not written down and so he had to sit and learn from these old men the music that would have died with them very soon.  How amazing the music was able to be preserved for all eternity.  Thank you, Professor Saylor.  One of the pieces, “Lorena” by H.D.L. Webster and J.P. Webster was thought to have caused men to leave their battle stations.  This was a love song promising that if the soldier lived, he would be a good, faithful, loving husband – it tugged at my heart.  Imagine how desperate the men must have felt that the promise to be a better husband was what kept them alive.  Of course, “Goober Peas” by P. Pindar and P. Nutt (ha ha, P. Nutt – peanut??) was played.  What a hilarious song.  So glad Mr. Schlitt shared the fact that the word goober originated from a West African word for what we know as peanuts.  Let’s give credit where credit is due – especially when it comes to the history of colored people in America who have been and continued to be forgotten for their contributions to American history and culture.  The segment ended with The “Yellow Rose of Texas.”  What a beautiful way to end this part of Charlestonian history.

Then we moved onto what was one of my favorite parts of the evening – Gospel Spirituals.  Professor Carl Bright, his daughter, Guinevere and family friend, Genesis sang and played powerfully.  I love gospel music and consider it an absolute treat and honor to hear it live.  Love, love the story behind these gospel songs. “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,” “Go Down, Moses” and “Wade in the Water” were performed in the most amazing way – just one piano and three voices filled the space.  Just wished more Gospel Spirituals had been shared.  As innocuous as the Gospel Spirituals were, they were powerful and brilliant - very, very clever.  For in them there was code being shared about when it was safe to escape to the North.  The slaves shared through song amongst themselves word of what was going on without seeming to be sharing information.  Also great was how they were mocking the slave owners to their faces.  Here the slave owners were proud to have converted these “heathens” to Christianity.  Stupid slave owners were thinking: Wow, they’re singing about Moses – See? These uneducated, heathen slaves have embraced our faith - We have power over them.  Well, in your face!  “Go Down, Moses” was one of those spirituals that was code for freedom.   The slaves weren’t just singing about their newly found faith, but moreso, they were singing about their own liberty and justice to come.  They were singing about breaking the chains of slavery that these unjust, cruel masters had wrapped around them.  They were the victors in the battle of faith – the very faith that the masters thought they could use to control them.  HA!

Then the evening lightened up with a medley of George Gershwin played on the piano by Ghadi Shayban.  Though Gershwin was a New Yorker, he wrote his most famous American opera, “Porgy and Bess” in Charleston.  Opera???  I was shocked.  Always thought of it as a musical.  Well, I learned a new thing.  He was a character.  Full of himself but ever so creative and brilliant, leaving his mark on American music.

The pinnacle of the evening was the closing.  We were told that we were sitting in the very space where the composer, John Newton of “Amazing Grace” worshiped.  It was during the Civil War and in Charleston he wrote this famous hymn.  How perfect that we end our evening of music with everyone singing a hymn of hope, forgiveness and redemption in a city that had shamelessly defended the evil of slavery.  After singing all the printed verses, Mr. Schlitt cued Professor Bright to continue playing as we all sang Praise God for one last go around.  I stood in that space, held my hands up and prayed that soon, someday that God would make the words preached by the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King ring true -  "Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, we are free at last."

I left that church refreshed, inspired and full of hope.  Going to this concert alone was exactly what I needed.  I will never forget it.

14.8.11

The Gap (and no, it’s not the store)

As God's beloved children we have to believe that our little lives, when lived as God's chosen and blessed children, are broken to be given to others. We too have to become bread for the world. When we live our brokenness under the blessing, our lives will continue to bear fruit from generation to generation. (Henri J.M. Nouwen)

Our emotional lives and our spiritual lives have different dynamics. The ups and downs of our emotional life depend a great deal on our past or present surroundings...The ups and downs of our spiritual lives depend on our attentive listening to the movements of the Spirit of God within us. (Henri J.M. Nouwen)

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No more hesitation, no more fear, just coming back to blogging.

Recently, I reread the blogs I’ve written so far, and please permit me to say, “Daaaang, I’m good.”  I knew I had to get back to that place because it’s where I belonged, it’s good for me.  Ideas have been swirling around my head since I last blogged, much has happened and I need to share.  But I couldn’t get started and it hit me hard why.

A couple of weeks ago, my family and I were having dinner with good friends we hadn’t seen in a while and Gerri asked me how I was.  Hesitating, I told her that I’m now good but that things were pretty bad.  I shared that what I was telling her wasn’t known by a lot of people – not even members of my family - and that’s when it struck me.  I was hiding something – it wasn’t a shameful secret but I was hiding.  And hiding isn’t healthy.  And hiding was preventing me from being completely, shamelessly, utterly me so here it is.

I shared with her – and now with you - that I’m at the other end, the good end of a very debilitating, traumatic period of my life.  I was depressed.  It sounds like nothing but this was the real deal. So depressed to the point that I’m still on anti-depressents.  To be honest, I didn't realize I disappeared from my blog – and the world – when I became overwhelmingly depressed last fall.  At first I didn’t know what was happening to me but I just had ab.so.lute.ly noooo energy, no interests, no nothing. I had become a shell of my former self.   All I wanted to do was lay around and do ab.so.lute.ly nothing which was what ended up happening for a while until I figured out I needed to do something.  I was sick.  Don’t know how I got to a therapist who has helped me so much - healed me and put me back together  – just know that I did it.  When I started seeing Thea, she saw how bad I was and after a couple of sessions, she recommended anti-depressants but that took about a month of prodding from her end to get me to go get them.   I guess I couldn’t believe that I was so badly off that I needed meds.  I didn’t know or even want to admit how sick I was.  I only realized how sick I was once I started getting better.  Together for 9 months, we met to get me well.  The good news is that (as she put it so aptly) she worked herself out of a job.  Yup, she has sent me off on my way.  Wow.  Who knew?  I had my last session on July 15th.  Of course, she’ll always be there for me and I’m more than welcome to go back.  Also working on getting off my meds – my doctor told me that I could start weaning off.  That’s just taking longer because you have to be “well” for at least 6 months before you can be taken off as you might have a relapse.  

Don’t pity me.  And please don’t feel bad for not being there.  That’s one of the tragedies/ironies of depression – when you need someone, you’ll run away from them even when they’re chasing you down.   

I just share this story because….  
  • Because it explains the gap in my blogging – and life.  There are those of you who have wondered why I did literally disappeared off the face of the earth for a while and I do owe you an explanation.  Thanks to all who stuck by me by giving me lots of space to figure things out – yeah, it’s an oxymoron – but sticking by me by not being stuck to me was exactly what I needed.   
  •   Because by not sharing my story, I will also be guilty of perpetuating society’s negative stigma of depression and mental illness – especially now that I’ve been through it. Maybe my witness as one of the survivors of this devastating illness will help lift off the veil of shame and misunderstanding around it.  Without it, maybe less of us will endure this alone and be able to share with the community.
  • Because I hope to give hope for those who may be hurting.  I hope I can help even one person to come out and get help.  It’s there.  You don’t have to become the utter wreck I was, in such a bad place to go get help.  It’s really not necessary to endure the pain alone, it’s fixable.

It happens to the best of us.  Some will be shocked.  Others not shocked.  I learned so much about myself and everything around me sitting in that red armchair in Thea’s office.  So many blogs to write.  And now I’m delighted to say I’m ready to get back to blogging soooo ….here… I …come …back.