As God's beloved children we have to believe that our little lives, when lived as God's chosen and blessed children, are broken to be given to others. We too have to become bread for the world. When we live our brokenness under the blessing, our lives will continue to bear fruit from generation to generation. (Henri J.M. Nouwen)
Our emotional lives and our spiritual lives have different dynamics. The ups and downs of our emotional life depend a great deal on our past or present surroundings...The ups and downs of our spiritual lives depend on our attentive listening to the movements of the Spirit of God within us. (Henri J.M. Nouwen)
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No more hesitation, no more fear, just coming back to blogging.
Recently, I reread the blogs I’ve written so far, and please permit me to say, “Daaaang, I’m good.” I knew I had to get back to that place because it’s where I belonged, it’s good for me. Ideas have been swirling around my head since I last blogged, much has happened and I need to share. But I couldn’t get started and it hit me hard why.
A couple of weeks ago, my family and I were having dinner with good friends we hadn’t seen in a while and Gerri asked me how I was. Hesitating, I told her that I’m now good but that things were pretty bad. I shared that what I was telling her wasn’t known by a lot of people – not even members of my family - and that’s when it struck me. I was hiding something – it wasn’t a shameful secret but I was hiding. And hiding isn’t healthy. And hiding was preventing me from being completely, shamelessly, utterly me so here it is.
I shared with her – and now with you - that I’m at the other end, the good end of a very debilitating, traumatic period of my life. I was depressed. It sounds like nothing but this was the real deal. So depressed to the point that I’m still on anti-depressents. To be honest, I didn't realize I disappeared from my blog – and the world – when I became overwhelmingly depressed last fall. At first I didn’t know what was happening to me but I just had ab.so.lute.ly noooo energy, no interests, no nothing. I had become a shell of my former self. All I wanted to do was lay around and do ab.so.lute.ly nothing which was what ended up happening for a while until I figured out I needed to do something. I was sick. Don’t know how I got to a therapist who has helped me so much - healed me and put me back together – just know that I did it. When I started seeing Thea, she saw how bad I was and after a couple of sessions, she recommended anti-depressants but that took about a month of prodding from her end to get me to go get them. I guess I couldn’t believe that I was so badly off that I needed meds. I didn’t know or even want to admit how sick I was. I only realized how sick I was once I started getting better. Together for 9 months, we met to get me well. The good news is that (as she put it so aptly) she worked herself out of a job. Yup, she has sent me off on my way. Wow. Who knew? I had my last session on July 15th. Of course, she’ll always be there for me and I’m more than welcome to go back. Also working on getting off my meds – my doctor told me that I could start weaning off. That’s just taking longer because you have to be “well” for at least 6 months before you can be taken off as you might have a relapse.
Don’t pity me. And please don’t feel bad for not being there. That’s one of the tragedies/ironies of depression – when you need someone, you’ll run away from them even when they’re chasing you down.
I just share this story because….
- Because it explains the gap in my blogging – and life. There are those of you who have wondered why I did literally disappeared off the face of the earth for a while and I do owe you an explanation. Thanks to all who stuck by me by giving me lots of space to figure things out – yeah, it’s an oxymoron – but sticking by me by not being stuck to me was exactly what I needed.
- Because by not sharing my story, I will also be guilty of perpetuating society’s negative stigma of depression and mental illness – especially now that I’ve been through it. Maybe my witness as one of the survivors of this devastating illness will help lift off the veil of shame and misunderstanding around it. Without it, maybe less of us will endure this alone and be able to share with the community.
- Because I hope to give hope for those who may be hurting. I hope I can help even one person to come out and get help. It’s there. You don’t have to become the utter wreck I was, in such a bad place to go get help. It’s really not necessary to endure the pain alone, it’s fixable.
It happens to the best of us. Some will be shocked. Others not shocked. I learned so much about myself and everything around me sitting in that red armchair in Thea’s office. So many blogs to write. And now I’m delighted to say I’m ready to get back to blogging soooo ….here… I …come …back.
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